My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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