peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize