You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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