Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
whose parrot is this?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
