i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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