sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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