I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Randomize
