ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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