Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
