when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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