see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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