I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
