Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
