trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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