Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
