So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I am available for nakedness
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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