dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
