My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
