Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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