Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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