I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
