Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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