Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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