you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
