so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
