Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We left the knife in your bed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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