i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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