Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
