just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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