life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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