I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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