So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
