Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
