Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
