I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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