why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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