Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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