I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My life is pants optional.
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