nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
