I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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