she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
