he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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