You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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