The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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