Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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