I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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