I need to stop coming to work sober
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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