Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
