wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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