When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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