I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
