Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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