My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
