mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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