I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
