I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
