This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
